Rowan turned one month old today. I can say with certainty that this last month has been one of the hardest and yet most rewarding months of my life. And that is no exaggeration. I didn't realize I could love a little person with so much of my heart and yet feel so completely ill prepared to do the job of "mom".
Welcoming Rowan into the world was a beautiful experience, filled with moments we will never forget…however, the weeks following were rough and a huge learning curve. I don't think I was ever truly prepared to bring Rowan home (although, I thought I was). I had read the books, I surfed blogs and the web, I had done my research, and was depending a lot on past experiences babysitting…I thought I was 110% ready to bring home our little bundle of joy. What a rude awakening. I'm not quite sure who cried more the first couple of weeks home…me…or Rowan. There were moments where Rowan would be crying inconsolably for no reason and I'd just hold him and cry too. Feeling completely and utterly inadequate to take on the job of "mom". If I was supposed to be Rowan's mom…why couldn't I stop his crying? I was lost in the frustration of trying to figure him out. I was devastated that at times I couldn't console him and that he was like a puzzle I constantly had to try to solve. There were moments I found myself mourning the life we had before Rowan…when it was just Dusty, the dogs, and I. I realized quickly that I had a lot of selfishness I had to let go of…but I will blame my tears partially on hormones and lack of sleep aka exhaustion.
I laugh now at how naive I was about having a baby. "I've babysat so many babies in my day," I'd tell Dusty…"you on the other hand…haven't had much experience, so get ready!" – insert foot in mouth. Dusty has been an absolute champ. But for real…he's kept me sane and has provided me with so much support in this last month. Moments where I felt weak and like I was failing miserably he'd swoop in and talk sense into me. His calm, cool, and laid back demeanor would pick up our crying baby and in moments Rowan would sense his calmness and the crying would stop. If anything, Dusty has shown me what it means to be a parent…without having read the books, the blogs, and with no babysitting experience…he's amazing…Rowan is so so very lucky to have him as his dad…and I am so so very lucky to have him as my husband and partner in this adventure.
Today is the start of week four and when I look back on the last month I can't believe how much things have changed. Rowan has changed drastically and I am realizing how precious this time is…while it feels overwhelming at times and there are days I just want to get out of "this phase"…I try to think of the song lyrics by Trace Adkins, "You're going to miss this" or Darius Rucker, "It won't be like this for long". They speak so much truth. Time is going to fly by…Rowan is going to leave this phase and enter another with a whole new set of needs. I've gotten better at deciphering his cries and finding out what they mean, which in turn, has made our lives a bit easier. He's starting to be more aware of his surroundings so he is content for longer periods of time. After nursing, he often smiles in his sleep and it melts my heart every time. Slowly but surely his little personality is making its appearance and I'm realizing the newborn stage is going to be gone before I know it. I am so honored to be Rowan's mom and I know there is nothing in the world I could want more. All of the hard moments included.
- Being on his changing table (he'll lay there and talk to Dusty and I through little noises and coos) for some reason it's the only place he enjoys laying down on his back. He'd lay there for hours if we let him.
- He loves lights and shadows.
- He LOVES noise…the noisier the better.
- Enjoys car rides and walks in his stroller.
- LOVES to eat.
- Wants to be really really cozy (like literally sweating) all the time.
- Loves his bedtime routine (for now) and slept for 6+ hours straight last night! woohoo!
- Enjoys baths in the sauna and likes when we wash his body but hates when we start washing his face and hair.
- Loves to nap…especially in mom or dad's arms.
- Rowan really loves Dusty's singing and the made up songs he sings to him. They are hilarious…but he loves them.
Rowan's Starting To:
- Make eye contact.
- Coo and make noises.
- Recognize our voices.
I'd love to hear what your experiences were like bringing home your first baby? Please share!